She’s back – and with a heavy post on Birth and VBAC Birth!

On Saturday, I read a post in a Facebook group about a woman’s sadness at not having been able to have a natural birth.  I wanted to tell her I get it… more so on that particular day.

On Saturday we celebrated my son’s eleventh birthday. As I was preparing for his birthday party, I was thinking back to that day. How I went into the birth unit with visions of a gentle water birth and after 16 hours of agonising induction contractions, I wasn’t even 5cm dilated and landed up in theatre with an emergency c-section. To be told later by my caregivers that my labour wasn’t as long as I claimed because I wasn’t in active labour. And how, two years later I tried again for a natural birth and again I landed up in theatre.

My loss of a natural birth experience led me to doula work. When I was first pregnant, I fell in love with the birth world and when my son was 4, I decided to do a doula course, partly to feed my interest in working in the birth field, and partly to try and understand what I had failed to experience.

For a long time after my unsuccessful attempt at a VBAC, I played with the idea of having a third child and attempting a VBA2C. If I’m absolutely honest with myself, the main reason would have been to try again to experience the natural birth I felt so deprived of. That would never be a good enough reason to have another child – I guess it’s a good thing my husband was pretty adamant that he didn’t want more kids because in my moments of less than crystal clarity… Eish!

Only last year, when Ewan turned 10, did I realise that I actually didn’t want any more kids and I wouldn’t really want to deal with all that baby stuff again, at this point in my life. Some things take longer to sink in than others.

Which brings me to the point of this blog post. I’m still sad that I never got to experience the miracle of naturally birthing my babies. I still feel cheated and sometimes, when I’m being hard on myself, like a failure. Occasionally, a little bit angry.

Yes, perhaps in the grand scheme of things, all that really matters is a healthy mom and a healthy baby, but for some women, being deprived of that primal experience leaves a horrible weepy wound. But with time, comes acceptance. Wounds do heal, but they leave scars. Mine is sensitive, but not as raw as it once was.

A couple of weeks ago I bumped into my midwife and she introduced me to her companion… She started to say that she caught both my babies and then corrected herself and said “oh but wait, you had Caesars, didn’t you?” 

I am sure it was unintentional, but she certainly scratched open an old wound. That’s when the anger happens. don’t think she realises how that introduction made me feel. Breathe, 1,2,3,4…

I do believe that things happen the way they do for a reason. Perhaps I wouldn’t be celebrating a beautiful boy’s 11th birthday today if I hadn’t had that Caesarian. Perhaps I wouldn’t have had the privilege of being part of the miracle of more that 30 other births as a doula.

I posted this in the mom’s group occasionally participate in and the replies were overwhelming. Not everyone gets this feeling of bereavement at the loss of an experience… but those who get it, they truly get it!  

If you are one of those moms, please know that you are not alone. 

Love always, 

Hil

imageThis amazing artwork is by Amy Swagman @ www.themandalajourney.com

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “She’s back – and with a heavy post on Birth and VBAC Birth!

  1. Saw your link on Sharon’s post, and I have to say I 100% get it. I don’t understand why some women has that urge that they want to experience natural birth, but I’m one of them.

    Something of interest. When I was a lot younger I dated someone and he once ended up in a room with a bunch of women discussing the horror of childbirth and the hours each spent in labour. He said that he wish that he had that option to experience the wonder of childbirth. He was the first person to make me think about it.

    Now, I was lucky that I had no pregnancy complications, but round about my 3rd gynae appointment he wanted to set my c-section date. When I said I wanted to birth naturally he immediately wanted to know “Why”. Every single appointment he wanted to know if I’ve changed my mind. He refused to let me go over my due date (stating that baby wasn’t picking up enough weight and I would never know if it was actually true). So I had an induction on my due date (interference no 1). Because of the induction I didn’t have any breaks in the labour pain, asked for pethadine, which made me sick (interference no 2). Because of feeling sick I ended up asking for an epidural (interference no 3). And the moment I got the epidural they said that the babies heart rate dropped and they wanted me prepped for a c-section. I was lucky that there was a midwife that convinced them to give me some extra time, and I didn’t have a c-section, but a natural birth but without feeling because of the epidural.

    Second pregnancy I ended up going to the same gynae (don’t know why I was so stupid that I didn’t want to change). First thing that he asks me if I’ve learnt from the first birth and now wants a c-section. Second birth was no meds and, although painful, it was a magical experience.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s