I wrote the post below a few weeks ago and never hit ‘publish’. It seemed so negative that I just saved it in my drafts. Since then, things at work have improved somewhat, and I don’t feel the same despair that I felt as I did when hammered out the post below.
I made a decision shortly after this post that things did need to change and I had to make it happen. I set up a deadline to resign from my job – March 2013 -and started making plans, or rather plans started happening to me. My sister-in-law set up a Facebook page for a little sideline baking business, more as an experiment than anything. It is something we have been threatening to do for years. The orders have been flowing in at a steady rate. I have been approached to join a doula practice next year. I have received orders for handbags to design and belly casts to decorate… to be honest, my mood has changed in recent weeks from desparation to overwhelmed!
But I have received so much positivity and support from my friends and family and I feel like maybe I can do this!
In the early hours of this morning I went off to meet a client in labour in Parklane Clinic. It was a swift, powerful and beautiful birth and even though I am yawning as I type this, I am still on an Oxytocin high and so happy to have done what I did and been a part of something so sacred. I know that doula work is my calling. Now I just need to fill up my doula diary to make it viable!
Anyway… on to the old post… I guess I could just delete the words below but I don’t want to – that would invalidate them. And the feelings reflected are what has driven me to make my plan for 2013. Now I just need to make it happen.
I love inspirational speeches, blogs, thoughts about living your life the way it’s meant to be, in a way that makes a difference, in the way that makes you happy. You know the ones that make you think that even if you do something drastic, like quit your job without another to go to, that with belief and positivity, you will find your path, your calling, your difference and your happy. I’d love to go all Steve Jobs on my life and stay hungry, stay foolish.
I’d love to create a vacuum and fill it with the stuff that makes me happy, because nature abhors a vacuum, or so they say.
Honestly though, as an average suburban adult with kids in private school, a mortgage and a car on HP and no trust fund to fall back on, how easy is it to just take that risk?
I’ve had a torrid week at work. I have not been happy at work for a very long while. I would love, very much to just quit my job to do what I’m passionate about.
I spent my twenties trying to find my niche, my perfect job. Or maybe to be more accurate, I spent my twenties thinking about trying to find my niche whilst doing a job I didn’t like particularly much. My ideas varied from teaching to journalism to advertising to interior decorating to hairdressing. Different day, different idea. I didn’t actively pursue any of those ideas though. I still think I could have enjoyed teaching English to high school students, or working at Cosmo… or front line reporting for 702 eyewitness news… but they were daydreams and whether any of those careers would have made me really happy – I’ll probably never know.
When I had my kids though, I realised that I LOVED the birth world. There was magic there. And I distinctly remember thinking to myself that I somehow want to stay a part of this world. I put the idea to the back of my mind, in case it was one of this different day, different idea careers that I mentioned earlier, but it kept coming back and I think I can now safely say that I have found my niche, in the birth world. I love the birthy girls I have had the opportunity to meet. The sense of a sisterhood that prevails amongst us. Meeting different, fascinating people and getting to share their most intimate and joyful moments. The excitement leading up to the big day. The emotional and physical energy spent during the labour and birth. The beautiful, deep and deserved sleep afterwards. Believing in a cause worth fighting for.
And then there’s my art… the job ideas I mentioned before should have given you a clue – I love to create. I sometimes imagine I could even be good at creating… paintings, belly casts, illustrations… perhaps I could even make some money out of my creations? If only I had the time to concentrate on creating.
So what is my ideal working life? It would be to quit the soul sucking office job I do now and be a doula and an artist. My heart is crying out do something reckless and just quit my job to do what I love.
But logic always dominates. I can’t just quit the salaried job and hope that I get enough birthing clients to make up my income. And I don’t really know whether I will actually be able to sell my art. I also don’t know how to set myself up in a way that will ensure that I have an income safety net while I get by doula practice established.